“Henceforth no citizen shall enjoy any rights unless they are capable of defeating the self-appointed arbiter of personhood in a debate. But be warned, he will only ever argue in bad faith, has unmatched endurance when it comes to moving goalposts, and if he senses an impending defeat he will simply rattle off a haphazard list of logical fallacies before declaring himself the victor and storming off. Also he will only accept challenges from those who have yet to earn a high school diploma.”

Okay, when I’m finished graping you, I’m going to go upstairs and grape your mother,and your father then I’m going to take your whole family down to the basement and grape you all for decades and decades and decades and decaaaades!

But also Jimmy (or whoever saved him) now has two broken arms thanks to a human sized object falling onto them at terminal velocity.

… Two broken arms…? Oh no… I remembered that Reddit post.

If you’ve ever driven more than a few miles outside of a major US city you’d know this is all too real.

Relevant xkcd

“Citizen, I can assure you that climate change is completely your fault for leaving the bathroom light on the other day. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have a mountain to frack.”

I like that the reflections largely indicate that the text is sitting right on top of the water surface. And then you have this weird, non-euclidean, lowercase ‘g’ that completely demolishes the perspective.

I’m guessing those 5 games include at least a few spinoffs in different genres. Although we saw how well that worked out for Umbrella Corps.

Me, massaging my temples with my eyes shut tight: Buddy… Buddy… We just went over this… You have a ball on the other side of the room. You just need to bring it over here and I’ll toss with you.

Stop dropping your phone on the fucking train Every morning I clock into work, and 12 hours later I clock out covered in jizz because someone dropped their phone while looking at porn and turned the whole trip into a goddamn gangbang. I can’t take it anymore. I’m literally knee deep in spunk by the end of the day, because all you motherfuckers are apparently lubing up your hands and can’t get a grip. We’ve all had to start wearing blindfolds when we exit the front so we don’t accidentally get a peak and start furiously cranking our removeds to “thugposts” or “femboys” or whatever the newest horny fad is. For the love of god, stop dropping your phone on the fucking train.

You wouldn’t download the means of production!

Chrome doesn’t “leak” your data to Google, it intentionally sends it directly to them. That’s like saying my toilet “leaks” human waste into the sewage system.

Leave it to big tech to introduce the same exact product with less features while they gaslight you into believing it’s a shiny new product that you should be excited about.

I love when people are like “if you get a windfall of money you’ll probably go bankrupt. Look at the statistics from lottery winners, 70% of them end up broke.”

Ah yes, a subset of the population whose only common traits are that they gamble and make objectively terrible financial decisions. Obviously this group should be the benchmark for the financial literacy and money management of the general population.

“Hello, son. I am a massive bigot. Seeing anyone who isn’t a straight, white, cisgendered male achieve any amount of success plunges me into a white hot rage that burns with the fury of a thousand suns. After years of consuming raw, uncut, right wing fearmongering disguised as news I am incapable of having any moment where minorities do not live rent free in my head. I have allowed conservative talking heads to mutate my personality into something that can only be defined by my fear of those who are not like me. Even if minorities have absolutely nothing to do with the topic at hand, my hatred of them is the only thing that I can imagine. I am deeply unhappy.”