How long have you gone without being in a romantic relationship?

The first 13 years of my life

How much time have you spent being single?

The aforementioned 13 years, plus sporadic times in my teen years and early adult years. I’ve been in a relationship with my wife since I was 21.

If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?

N/A

Do you / did you enjoy single life?

Yes, to a certain degree.

What are / were the pros and cons?

Pros:

1.) I was in control of my own life. I could just decide to do something - anything - and then just do it.

2.) Didn’t have to keep track of finances. If money disappeared from my account, it was because I spent it.

3.) If opportunities to be intimate with someone arose, I could go with the flow and see where the night takes me. I didn’t have to commit to anyone if I didn’t want to.

Cons:

1.) Loneliness. No one to spend your time with.

2.) No one to bounce ideas off of, or introduce interesting plans or events into my life. It made planning for things harder, and encouraged me to be a lazy/messy couch potato instead of going out and being productive.

Is / was partnership a goal of yours?

Yes.

If you’re currently not single: Did your goals change after getting into a relationship?

Yes, relationships are compromise. Your goals will change. But it may be for the better or worse, depending on your partner.

What are the pros and cons?

Pros:

1.) No longer alone.

2.) I’ve been married to my best friend for 15 years, so every day is fun and exciting.

3.) My wife encourages me to get out and do stuff. I’ve been on trips across Europe, Asia, and America. I’ve been on 3 separate luxury cruise lines; one in the Mediterranean and two in the Caribbean. Without my wife, I would’ve just stayed home and missed out on all those life experiences.

4.) I have shared hobbies with my wife, so I always have a partner for the fun things I want to do.

5.) We also have separate hobbies, so when one of us needs alone time, we both can focus on something we want to do without the other for a while.

6.) We’re more productive together. Alone, we’d just veg out and watch TV or doom scroll the Internet. But together, we can discuss various topics and explore new and fun things together.

7.) Getting laid is easy (unless you’re partner makes it difficult). No more prowling clubs/bars or dating apps and settling for someone just to get your rocks off. You have a willing partner at home who, if you’re in a healthy relationship, should be willing to get down with you most anytime. And you know their sexual history, so no worrying about getting an STI or something.

8.) If you’re in a healthy relationship, you have someone who you can truly be yourself around. You won’t need to put on a mask and pretend to be someone you’re not. It’s quite liberating to have someone who sees you at your worst in the privacy of your own home and still wants to be with you.

Cons:

1.) Every major decision needs to be audited by my partner. I can’t just decide to do something; I need to run it by my wife first. I’m in a healthy relationship, so I can just decide to do stuff on my own all the time and it’s not a big deal. But my relationship is also healthy because I include my wife in my planning, even if she’s not going to be involved. I don’t just run off to “hang out with the boys.” I give her opportunities to be involved, and if she chooses to stay at home instead of come out with me, that’s totally her decision. Or if she needs a night in with me, I cancel plans to spend time with her. I spend enough time with her that it’s not a big deal if I want to go do something on my own every now and then.

2.) I’m legally committed to this relationship (marriage), so if a better opportunity for a relationship comes along, I can’t just see where it takes me. My options are to cheat, or go through a lengthy divorce process before proceeding. Or do nothing and remain loyal to my spouse. It’s too risky/costly to attempt the first two, so I just don’t bother looking for other opportunities. I vowed to be loyal, so unless my wife makes my life a living nightmare, I’m sticking with her until the end.

3.) Aligning life goals can be difficult if you didn’t talk it out before committing to a serious relationship. And in the early years of a relationship, who wants to discuss the rest of your life together? It’s easy to get invested in someone whose life plans don’t match up with yours. So you have to live with compromise. Some dreams, you have to give up. Same goes for your partner.

4.) Unless your partner is responsible with finances, expect to have trouble keeping track of your money. Or just maintain separate bank accounts. Hopefully your partner isn’t a golddigger. My wife cares more about spending time with me than spending my money, so we have a healthy relationship. And there’s nothing wrong with spending money on someone you love. But if it seems like your partner only cares about your money and will leave you if/when the money dries up, it’s better to leave that relationship as soon as possible.

5.) Relationships are a gamble. You never know if it’s going to go smoothly, or if your partner is just using you for something until a better opportunity passes by. Hopefully you have a healthy relationship, and the cornerstone to that is trust and communication. But there are always master manipulators out there who will convince you that you need to stay in a relationship with them, even if it doesn’t make you happy. They’ll convince you that being lonely is worse than being in a broken/abusive relationship. If your partner starts isolating you from friends/family and doesn’t let you make decisions, you’re in an abusive relationship and need to get out immediately!

How much time have you spent being single?

Most of my life. I’ve had two serious relationships and one complicated one, none lasting more than six months. My last relationship ended in late 2019, so it’s been 4.5 years. I’m 33 this year, and have been single for about 31 years total.

If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?

Bit of both. I choose not to invest my time, money, and energy into pursuing a relationship, but sometimes that choice feels forced because I don’t have enough time, money, or energy to spare for pursuing a relationship. If it happens, it happens, but I’m not proactive about it because I’m focusing on work and my hobbies. If I ever find myself financially stable without working full time I might have time to actively pursue a relationship, but that’s not in the cards right now for my autistic ass. I spend almost all my free time recovering so I can go back to work.

I joined a LARP community and I go to board game and DnD meetups specifically to meet people and keep my social muscles healthy. Hopefully I’ll find a partner in those circles someday, but no luck so far. The unfortunate reality is that every girl I meet is already in a relationship. I have made a lot of friends, so mission accomplished as far as that goes, but the folks who say that joining hobby groups and hanging out with people who share your interests is the best way to find a partner are full of shit.

Finally, both of my serious relationships ended on good terms because my partner felt I did not communicate enough with them, while I felt the amount of communication they were expecting was too much for me to maintain, which made the relationship a source of stress and anxiety for me. We broke it off, and I’m still good friends with one of them. This is a problem with me that I’m not sure how to fix, and it’s very much not conducive to a healthy relationship. I hope I can find a partner who’s comfortable with that some day, but it’s made me leery of jumping into new relationships.

Do you / did you enjoy single life?

No, but I don’t enjoy dating life, either. Life in general is an unending stream of demands, and I never get enough time to stop, breath, and reset. That’s true while I’m single, and it was true while I was dating.

What are / were the pros and cons?

Pros:

• My living space is my own. Everything stays exactly where I left it, and I can decorate as I please.
• I eat when and what I want. I can cook or eat out as I choose. Meals don’t need to be a production, and if I want to stock up and eat the same thing for weeks on end there’s no one to complain about it.
• My time is my own. I can schedule things whenever and I don’t need to coordinate calendars. If I need to travel for work I can drop everything and just go.
• No fucking kids. My niece, nephew, and soon to be 2nd nephew are plenty.

Cons:

• I’m so lonely. So very lonely.
• Porn addiction. I have a high sex drive, no healthy outlet for it, and it’s an easy dopamine hit for stress and anxiety relief.
• Financial stress. I’m barely getting by on a single income.
• Constantly questioning my identity. I think I’m some flavor of aromantic sex-positive asexual, and I suspect I’m bi and/or trans, but I’ve got no partner to explore my own gender and sexuality with. It’s hard to tell how much is real and how much is my mind spinning off the rails with nothing to latch on to.

Is / was partnership a goal of yours?

Yes. I’d like to settle down with a fellow introvert so we can be alone together.

Currently somewhere around 10 years single.

I struggle with social cues, anxiety, etc.

It’s lonely.

I was born in 1987, sooooo, 36.5 years and counting…

I wasn’t mature enough to be interested in finding a girlfriend in school, when I started being interested I got fat and balding.

Then it has now gone so long that I am worried about how an inexperienced virgin would be seen by women in their 30s/40s.

I have a good job, limited debt, own my apartment and my car, have decent finances, have lived alone for ten years so can take care of chores, pay bills, I am a decent cook (if lazy), I enjoy photography and simple adventures.

I am a bit insecure of my weight, but am trying to work on it when I can, I go swimming 3 times a week during periods when I can do that.

The main issue is that I don’t know where to start finding someone.

So far, over 50 years and counting. I’ve always been single.