I didn’t intend to be dismissive and if my response sounded that way then I apologise.
I agree it’s difficult to be on the receiving end of vague signals, but my perspective is if there’s any annoyance or frustration it should be directed at the violent/angry men who have caused women to feel unsafe.
Helping women feel safer by tackling the violence and misogyny directed at them by men will benefit everyone.
It’s also dismissive of the fact that a lot of women give vague signs as their signs of interest. It’s really just a damned if you do or don’t situation. Either you interpret the vague signals as disinterest and move on, or you read them as a potential go ahead and you’re a dick.
But that’s just circular. Girls can’t be direct because guys are assholes. Guys can’t be direct because they don’t want to be assholes. If standards for one must change, guys being ok with being assholes but being direct with their assertions, then so too must the other change standards, i.e. being direct with their signs.
I think there’s three main reasons for vague signals.
They legitimately don’t know how they feel. Maybe they kind of like you but aren’t sure. Recommended: do not pursue. Find someone who is enthusiastic about you. Do you really want to spend your time with someone who can’t make decisions and doesn’t know how they feel? It’s exhausting.
They are afraid or uncomfortable, and are trying to avoid upsetting you. Like the comic. Enough men will do just that or worse if they get rejected that being polite can seem safer, even if it makes me man feel like he’s getting mixed signals. You know you’re not like that, but they don’t. Recommended: same as above.
2b. You are talking to someone who can’t leave like a retail worker. Stop bothering the person who can’t tell you to fuck off.
They aren’t thinking about you at all. Like one time they’re happy to go bowling with you but the next time they blow you off on biking. What gives?? Mixed signals?? Nah dude she just likes bowling.
Love this. Especially 2b. I hated this about working in a cafe.
I’m only talking to you at all because I’m being paid to do so. I’m only smiling because my job is customer service. I’m being nice because you’re a fellow human, not because I want you in any way
There’s also a sort of 1b. They’re into you but are playing games like “hard to get.” Again, do you really want to be with someone playing games with you? It’s exhausting.
Men can’t reproduce. The fear of never getting a woman to love us is fucking scary to men because our feelings evolved around a total dependence on women to propagate our genes.
For a man, the relationship to a woman is just as valuable as his own body, in terms of viability of his genes. The types of fear we feel reflect this biological fact. We fear death yes, because death means our genes don’t reproduce. We also fear rejection for the same
reason.
If by “embarrassment” you mean “getting arrested or your entire career and life ruined by sexual harassment accusations because you accidentally made someone uncomfortable”. Don’t act as if men are giving up dating in record numbers over “embarrassment”. It’s disingenuous. They’re giving up because guys like the one in the comic cause women to view them all as “creeps”.
Yet I read other thread were women removeded and men acknowledge that we just miss signs when they interested. Its a no win situation. Man glad met my wife on a dating app and we communicated properly.
But the comic got real point because there was other thread and women dicussed dating and man the crap they deal with makes you wonder they even bother.
The answer is to flip this psychology/narrative that men have to be the ones to initiate and women are to be demure and play hard to get. Women should be approaching men more and men should be approaching women less.
Also, men need to have more platonic relationships with women and shouldn’t only be interested in, approach and talk to a woman because they want to have sex with them.
Probably best not to be so black and white. It’s probably not a healthy friendship if one of the people in the relationship just want to be friends and the other wants a sexual relationship.
We would have to define “wanting to have sex with them”. I would say 95% of young women are sexually attractive to 95% of straight men. If someone is sexually attractive does that mean “you want to have sex with them”.
David Sedaris did a great story about this I can’t remember the name of the episode. But as a sexual male whenever you see a woman one of the first things you think in your head is “would I have sex with her”. Not “will I” or even “will I pursue” but “would I”. Most of the time, the answer is yes.
Being in an actual relationship and learning and navigating friendships is difficult for all humans.
But to say men should stop wanting to have sex with women is ignorant, and not true to reality. If you don’t like it, I guess too bad? It’s not going to change.
This doesn’t mean we should work on being more empathetic in our relationships to try and understand where others are coming from. We can still be respectful of each others boundaries while wanting to have sex with each other.
But my original point is that it is not really a friend relationship if one person has unrequited feelings the other doesn’t share.
Sure. It’s also difficult for women to trust men for all the reasons that I hope go without saying. Life is hard. You don’t have to continue the cycle.
Won’t be rejected all the time if you’re just a normal dude and don’t go into every interaction with a woman expecting that you’re entitled to their affection.
It’s not hard. Just treat people like people and get to know them beyond appearance. More importantly, prioritize values and validation of yourself that isn’t centered around getting laid and there won’t be so much pressure on whether a woman likes you or not.
While it might feel rough for you, it’s worth remembering that a lot of women have faced very real threats of violence for their upfront honesty.
If you’re only getting vague signals then maybe that’s the sign that she’s not fully into you.
I feel like this is very dismissive and also ignores that lots of relationships do inevitably start with vague signals.
“Yeah, well, women have it worse so your feelings are irrelevant and it’s okay if they ghost you.”
As I said in my original comment, I get it. But it doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s a difficult situation for men.
Being dismissive of men’s feelings and not letting them talk about how dating is difficult for them isn’t helping anyone.
I didn’t intend to be dismissive and if my response sounded that way then I apologise.
I agree it’s difficult to be on the receiving end of vague signals, but my perspective is if there’s any annoyance or frustration it should be directed at the violent/angry men who have caused women to feel unsafe.
Helping women feel safer by tackling the violence and misogyny directed at them by men will benefit everyone.
The main thing for me is to remember it’s not personal. When a stranger treats me as a potential threat, it is not an insult to my character.
Being treated as a threat by someone who knows my character, is an insult to my character.
But when a stranger models me as a stranger, it’s not personal at all. It’s not about me. Not a reflection of who I am.
It’s also dismissive of the fact that a lot of women give vague signs as their signs of interest. It’s really just a damned if you do or don’t situation. Either you interpret the vague signals as disinterest and move on, or you read them as a potential go ahead and you’re a dick.
Trying to live so that nobody ever sees you as an asshole is a recipe for depression and regret.
But that’s just circular. Girls can’t be direct because guys are assholes. Guys can’t be direct because they don’t want to be assholes. If standards for one must change, guys being ok with being assholes but being direct with their assertions, then so too must the other change standards, i.e. being direct with their signs.
I didn’t say to be okay with being an asshole.
I think there’s three main reasons for vague signals.
They legitimately don’t know how they feel. Maybe they kind of like you but aren’t sure. Recommended: do not pursue. Find someone who is enthusiastic about you. Do you really want to spend your time with someone who can’t make decisions and doesn’t know how they feel? It’s exhausting.
They are afraid or uncomfortable, and are trying to avoid upsetting you. Like the comic. Enough men will do just that or worse if they get rejected that being polite can seem safer, even if it makes me man feel like he’s getting mixed signals. You know you’re not like that, but they don’t. Recommended: same as above.
2b. You are talking to someone who can’t leave like a retail worker. Stop bothering the person who can’t tell you to fuck off.
Love this. Especially 2b. I hated this about working in a cafe.
I’m only talking to you at all because I’m being paid to do so. I’m only smiling because my job is customer service. I’m being nice because you’re a fellow human, not because I want you in any way
That in many cases smiling is mandatory is a revolting part of customer service in the US.
There’s also a sort of 1b. They’re into you but are playing games like “hard to get.” Again, do you really want to be with someone playing games with you? It’s exhausting.
I think one should be rather dismissive of “it would be easier for me if others engaged in behaviours that have resulted in their being abused”.
Your fucking convenience doesn’t come before their sense of safety.
Men can’t reproduce. The fear of never getting a woman to love us is fucking scary to men because our feelings evolved around a total dependence on women to propagate our genes.
For a man, the relationship to a woman is just as valuable as his own body, in terms of viability of his genes. The types of fear we feel reflect this biological fact. We fear death yes, because death means our genes don’t reproduce. We also fear rejection for the same reason.
Yeah, for men the likely worst case scenario is embarrassment, women can get straight-up beaten or murdered
If by “embarrassment” you mean “getting arrested or your entire career and life ruined by sexual harassment accusations because you accidentally made someone uncomfortable”. Don’t act as if men are giving up dating in record numbers over “embarrassment”. It’s disingenuous. They’re giving up because guys like the one in the comic cause women to view them all as “creeps”.
How common exactly is someone getting arrested for sexual harrassment just for asking a woman out?
Yet I read other thread were women removeded and men acknowledge that we just miss signs when they interested. Its a no win situation. Man glad met my wife on a dating app and we communicated properly.
But the comic got real point because there was other thread and women dicussed dating and man the crap they deal with makes you wonder they even bother.
The answer is to flip this psychology/narrative that men have to be the ones to initiate and women are to be demure and play hard to get. Women should be approaching men more and men should be approaching women less.
Also, men need to have more platonic relationships with women and shouldn’t only be interested in, approach and talk to a woman because they want to have sex with them.
Probably best not to be so black and white. It’s probably not a healthy friendship if one of the people in the relationship just want to be friends and the other wants a sexual relationship.
Right. Men should be able to be friends with women without only wanting to have sex with them.
We would have to define “wanting to have sex with them”. I would say 95% of young women are sexually attractive to 95% of straight men. If someone is sexually attractive does that mean “you want to have sex with them”.
David Sedaris did a great story about this I can’t remember the name of the episode. But as a sexual male whenever you see a woman one of the first things you think in your head is “would I have sex with her”. Not “will I” or even “will I pursue” but “would I”. Most of the time, the answer is yes.
Being in an actual relationship and learning and navigating friendships is difficult for all humans.
But to say men should stop wanting to have sex with women is ignorant, and not true to reality. If you don’t like it, I guess too bad? It’s not going to change.
This doesn’t mean we should work on being more empathetic in our relationships to try and understand where others are coming from. We can still be respectful of each others boundaries while wanting to have sex with each other.
But my original point is that it is not really a friend relationship if one person has unrequited feelings the other doesn’t share.
Updated my last comment for clarity
It can be difficult for young men who have never been in a relationship before who also may not have positive male role models etc.
As social beings it’s also important to note that being rejected socially brings out some deep psychological responses in our lower animal brains.
Sure. It’s also difficult for women to trust men for all the reasons that I hope go without saying. Life is hard. You don’t have to continue the cycle.
Won’t be rejected all the time if you’re just a normal dude and don’t go into every interaction with a woman expecting that you’re entitled to their affection.
It’s not hard. Just treat people like people and get to know them beyond appearance. More importantly, prioritize values and validation of yourself that isn’t centered around getting laid and there won’t be so much pressure on whether a woman likes you or not.