Yeah it was a bit like that. I think one of the things that was frustrating about realizing i was trans is that i spent a lifetime ignoring something that part of me already knew.
Absolutely, same here.
Although, at this point, I have also noticed how I would not have been ready to safely transition much earlier than now. There were a lot of traumas and such that I needed to get reasonably under control first.
I do believe I began my transition as soon as it was possible. Around my fourties. That’s how long it took me to be ready for it.
That was the thing. I wasnt ready for it. There was this odd build up though. Little things started breaking through. I think part of it was that was relating too hard to egg memes. We got pronoun pins at work and wore he/him and she/her pins then lost the he/him pin. I got ma’amed cause of my long hair, and i loved it.
I’m also in my forties. Not in a position or place where i can transition though.
Just remember that you can transition a bit. Be one person at home, another at work.
heheh the “cute transfem at night, eepy boy at day” scheme xD
I am doing what i can. I have a supportive spouse, and work is actuallly one of the few places i can be more myself, i have great coworkers. Also have a therapist who is helping a lot.
Awesome to hear! 💛
I’m pretty sure I drunkenly came out to my sister yesterday morning. I asked her how she’d feel about having a little sister instead of a little brother. Yeah. This is kind of real shit even though it’s just a comic. Shit gets bottled up over 20 years for sure, no joke
This is probably not cool of me to do, but anyway, I don’t think I am trans, but sometimes I do wish I were a girl, and I do feel jealous of some of the things girls do, even some of the mostly (probably) meaningless gestures and words they exchange. I don’t have any particular opinion about being a man, except there are duties you have to fulfill. But then what about being as you want to be. Things change. You change. You should be allowed to.
I don’t think I am trans, but sometimes I do wish I were a girl, and I do feel jealous of some of the things girls do
sounds a
lotbit like:
to me
I love that.
I am sure of one thing. If I didn’t have people who rely on me (not dependents like wife and kids, never even had a girlfriend), I would have gone all the way. Maybe it’d ultimately be for the wrong reasons, but let it. If it made me happy, why not.
I don’t have any particular opinion about being a man
Hating being a man is not a requirement for being trans
You have to come up with a different reason to be sure you arent trans
I never really thought much about being a man and generally felt like I was neutral on gender, and sometimes wondered about being a girl. Anyways been in hormones for idk maybe 10 years now and surgery two years ago. It’s good to be introspective and whether you find out you are, or aren’t, or are some variety of yet to be named, I’m happy for you to be thinking about it :3
Yes. This. I am neutral about being a man. I don’t mind it, especially in so far as it’s the reality I have to live with. But there is also a big chance I think about wishing to be a girl for the wrong reasons. Gender is a social construct, and I have (over)thought myself to the point where I think I’d very much like it if I could walk that path and for my body to follow. I can’t though. Maybe I will (again) some day secretly try in small ways to indulge some of the thoughts.
Everything you write sounds so much like what trans people have felt in their past.
There is this short booklet published online for free. Please do read it! Here: https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/
And then… You can actually try the hormones. It takes several months for anything irreversible to take place. That’s plenty enough time to feel that it is right indeed.
Most important thing is maybe that cis people would never come to have the thoughts you have.
I had been depressed and anxious throughout my puberty and adult life, until the bottle I had crafted at age 2 or so. And now I am not-depressed for the first time in quarter a century. And that’s worth everything!
Thanks. I’m going to read that.
I can’t try anything real though. My situation doesn’t allow that. And I can’t get away from it.
Could I inquire, what is that situation?
Basically I belong to a fundamentalist and backwards country, I was born and raised in a country that doesn’t like me (and sometimes can’t wait to show it), and I have disappointed myself and people around me in the basic aspects of life. Going for “I think I’m a girl” is a no go every way I look at it. That is, if I am legitimately trans, because my therapist didn’t think so.
Girl, I’ll give you the official stamp of “we trans people accept you as trans”. *Thud*, done
Be yourself when you’re at home, boymode when out in the public. Your life will be much better. You’ll be the happiest girl you’ve ever been 💛
Sorry to hear you are in such a situation. A lot of what you said is relatable. Also don’t trust the people in the area I live, so I still semi-try to boymode despite being on HRT for 2.5 years except with those really close to me whom I trust.
One cis therapist from a repressive country is not the arbiter of who is and isn’t trans.
The fact your therapist doesn’t understand this makes them less believable.
I was married to someone who didn’t care which helped but I started by just wearing frillier stuff at home, and sometimes a sports bra with nothing in it under my clothes while going outside. Helped dip my toes in while being covert about it to see what I thought. Also things line Rocky Horror are a great way to go hog wild and play it off “oh it’s just a costume for this silly movie thing”
Edit: I know this all depends heavily your home situation and what area you live in
I really enjoyed what I tried (makeup). It was the most joy I had felt in years, even despite accentuating some of my “manly” facial features.
But I could never go any further than than that. I have to perform the role I have been given.
Would you be in danger if you didn’t fulfill that role?
Probably, in some ways. I don’t want to have go to the country I legally belong to but have never lived in. It’s probably the worst country in the world.
So if you couldn’t perform the role of being a guy, you’d be deported?
Damn. That’s like me but expressed in better words than I could find
This is probably not cool of me to do
Why wouldn’t it? Being introspective is fine
Introspection is good. But it can be paralyzing if it leads somewhere you can’t actually go. And I’m very prone to analysis paralysis.
Same 😭 I think I’m fine enough being a guy but starting to unlearn the conventions of patriarchy has helped a lot. I recommend The Will to Change: Love, Masculinity and Men by bell hooks, available as an audiobook at [email protected]
Thanks for the recommendation.
That’s exactly what I have to do. Unlearn a bunch of stuff. Not just conventions of patriarchy though. Some basic stuff as well
Depending on what society you’ve been a member of, this may be a lot to unlearn but you’ll make it. It’s never too late to start being an ally or member of the LGBTQ+ community, and you’ve already taken a lot of steps in the right direction. I’m sure everyone here welcomes you publishing your introspection or asking for advice on the next steps if you’re comfortable with it. If you’re too shy, that’s fine too, there are resources like the book I mentioned that will let you gain insight on how to be more accomodating of others and even your own feelings, undoing the damage of legacy social structures you’ve been accustomed to.
Personally, I’m in my mid-20s and from a rather traditional family and I’m not ready for a full gender introspection yet. I used to think my musings on “what if I’m not quite male” were a burden on the community or attention-seeking behavior but they were very happy to provide resources. Consider joining the Genderverse or 196 Matrix spaces for more insights.
I’d love nothing more, but since it can’t go beyond thought, it’d be a waste of people’s time.
I’d be happy to share my thoughts with people if I knew it’d help someone, but I have had no real experience in life, despite being in almost my mid-thirties. And thought without some basic experience is useless.
I will say, I couldn’t experience so many things until I transitioned. There were a lot of things I wanted to try as a man so that I could be more sure that it wasn’t for me. I worried I was just taking a shortcut that wouldn’t actually help me; that I just wanted to transition because I wasn’t happy with myself.
However, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t do the things I am able to do now. I ultimately couldn’t force myself to be a person when I had to play a role I wasn’t built for. The biggest realization I had about being trans was that it wasn’t my choice to make. I just was, and the only actual choice I had was to live or to not.
Thankfully, it quickly became clear that transitioning wouldn’t solve all my problems; only make them solvable. I still need to do all the things necessary to be a happy, healthy, or even functional. I’m still struggling in so many ways, but despite how hard, scary, or depressing things seem, I know they would be so much worse if I didn’t transition. I’d rather die than go back.
Considering your circumstances, I don’t blame you for not feeling like you have any choice but to play the role of man. However, you have even less choice in what gender you can be comfortable as. If you are actually trans, nothing you do will ever make the thoughts go away, or make you happy with who you are now. If that is your circumstance, I’m sorry you have such shit options.
I dunno if this will help at all, you’re getting a lot of supportive advice from trans people so maybe a cis perspective could help?
I’ve never particularly wanted to be a girl, it seems harder. I’m happy and comfortable in my body, I like my dangley bits, I like not having to think too hard about clothes, I enjoy my privileged spot in society. Not being a women, I very rarely get randomly sexualized by others and when I do it’s usually in an “I want him to do things to me” context, not an “I want to do things to her” context which is much less scary. I like the feeling of being in control and men tend to be given that as a default (shitty though that inequality is).
I love boobs to play with but they seem so impractical to actually have. I can easily imagine wanting to transition as a trans man if I wasn’t born this way.
I don’t look in the mirror and think “I’m a man”, or that I’m sure about my gender or ambivalent about my gender or that I don’t care about my gender, it’s simply not something I even think about ever. I rarely consider my identity at all. Most introspection I have is about what I could do better, not who I could be. Being a man is a given.
Of course, I don’t speak for all of the cis, YMMV. There’s plenty of middle ground and genderfluidness and enbies etc., but thats my experience.
I appreciate it.
I can relate to the mirror part. There is not much I feel when I look at myself in the mirror. If not too much nothing.
Of course I will never know some of the physical and emotional pains women go through, but given the choice, I think I’d choose to be a woman. Maybe that’s boredom with male-ness and and also an attempt at escaping the responsibilities it usually dumps on a man, but I don’t think I’d want to be a woman for the privilege of looking pretty or wearing pretty stuff.
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That’s not really up to you to discern.
Egg prime directive. Helpful resources are good, online ‘diagnosis’ are not.
I wonder about that. (Let it be known that I’m an outsider and the trans ‘knowledge’ I have is only because libre-software and trans communities seem to intersect often.) Those with autism, major depressive disorder or other conditions may feel like something’s wrong whilst lacking a strong gender affinity. That doesn’t mean they’re trans.
What I wonder about is whether chronically-online, majorly depressed men idealize the feminine form as having inherent value. “If I was a cute girl people would like me/I wouldn’t be depressed.” It overwhelmingly seems to be male-to-female. I would have imagined a 50-50 split, but I can’t cite any academic research. That’s just what it feels like as I surf the net.
The other user sucks for assigning genders to others, but fuck this comment. “Depressed men idealize the feminine form” reeks of long outdated, bigotry infused science that has led to real harm in our community. Being transfem is one of the most difficult things you can do socially; people will hate you, both as a woman and for being trans. If it actually helps a person’s mental health, they are who they say they are.
On top of that, there is nothing wrong with the people who do occasionally enjoy crossdressing; there is nothing insidious about gender non-conformity for fun. Who the fuck cares if a guy occasionally likes being pretty, including receiving positive attention for it? Good for him; it takes bravery on multiple levels. However, those people enjoy being able to take off the dress and live as men most of the time. I want to be a woman when waiting in a doctor’s office. I want to be a woman clocking in and clocking out at work. I want to be a woman when nobody is with me and I’m rotting in bed. We are not the same, and that’s fine.
Literally none of that idea makes any sense beyond pathologizing behavior that conservatives find icky or abnormal. Your oursider perspective is limited, ignorant, and not really appreciated.
Additionally,
online trans communities may be dominated male-to-female, but irl it seems to basically be the opposite. Transmascs are far more likely to hang out in person and build communities around doing stuff. A lot of transfems get socialized into more “male” hobbies and circles, while transmascs are actively discouraged from trying those things. A lot of the hobbies remain after transition (although we often can’t engage with them in the same way for the same reason that cisfems have trouble getting into them: ✨misogyny✨).
There’s also the fact that a lot of us transfems are shy and actively try to be invisible irl for safety reasons. It’s tough enough being a woman, and actively scary to be seen as trans. It’s also the default assumption online that users are men unless they make it clear that they’re not. Even with a feminine profile, name, and even though I mostly hang out on blahaj, people still “dude” or “man” me if I ever talk more neutrally. We have to stand out to be treated as fem online, while transmascs can just be another user.
It overwhelmingly seems to be male-to-female
I have seen way more trans people who were amab on the internet compared to trans people who were afab even though, as far as i know, there are slightly more transmascs than transfems. I am not the only person who has experienced this
I assume this is caused by people raised up as men being pushed more to places i visit on the internet (like programming and minecraft redstone discord servers, lemmy)
What I wonder about is whether chronically-online, majorly depressed men idealize the feminine form as having inherent value. “If I was a cute girl people would like me/I wouldn’t be depressed.”
eh, what came first: being chronically depresed or wanting to be more female?
This. I think about this possibility as well. In fact, this might be it.
However, I wanna like me rather than wanting people to like me. And maybe it’s the idealization of the feminine.
I wish.
I would not have liked anything more than certainty.
If you really feel that experiencing life as a different gender then there’s certainly something worth exploring there. If you haven’t already, maybe try looking for a therapist (preferably one who’s experienced with gender and sexuality issues). That’s really helped me work out a lot of my own stuff.
And hey, maybe there’s not much there. Maybe you just want to explore a more feminine presentation. Maybe you’re non-binary, fluid, trans, or maybe you’re just cis with a healthy dose of curiosity. No harm in trying to figure it out and nothing is set in stone.
I would, but there’s not much room. So if any attempt, however private, does indeed lead to stronger and more real urges to explore further, I will only have intensified my sense of loss.
I still remember the feeling and scent of the lipstick I tried a bunch of times. The mascara.
I see myself doomed to go the path I’m already thrown in. And since deeper thoughts about being a girl are rather new, I can more easily chalk it up to the anxiety and pressure of the last few years of my life. Maybe wanting to be a girl is just a way to escape my reality, my anxieties, or even some of my responsibilities. I can’t even be 100% sure about that, but I guess that’s the more pragmatic way of looking at it.
I see myself doomed to go the path I’m already thrown in.
It’s your life and you don’t need to do anything, but please don’t fall into the trap of thinking it’s too late to discover and embrace whatever version of you is most authentic. As long as you’re still alive, there’s still time.
I agree, but in a “stoic” way.
Some things can’t be, even if only because we may not have predicted that we would want them.
For practical purposes, I will go with what another commenter said. I had thought of it myself. It may as well be true. Idealization of the feminine, anxiety, low self-esteem, a deterioration of a sense of self.
Yes, I would have loved to try a whole lot of things. Even if to quench a curiosity, even if to just play. But I know that if I keep digging, and I’d have to dig alone, I will be more and more alone and lonely. Even if there is something very real buried right there.
You do you, but always remember, there is still time. It will only be too late when you’re dead
Many people transition later in life. Someone in my friend group only transitioned in her mid 40s.
You don’t have to go all the way in one shot, too. A different friend just dabbled by painting nails and changing hair cuts for a while.
Talk to a therapist, probably.
If I had years ago left the country where I am, maybe I could.
But then again, maybe I wouldn’t even think this way about gender had I not had some particular anxieties and problems.
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Took years for it to break, but compared to how long it was bottled up, it was really quick.
Works most of the time all of the time
Ok, first of all, cute fucking comic I love it
Also, if I just bottle it up long enough it’ll gender me in instant???
Damn this will be some fine wine then
(/'s I’m actually nonbinary but wouldn’t mind having lady parts. Idk. I’d rather just not gender at all. It’s such a chore either way)
More like you’ll need to learn to swim very fast as the pool quickly becomes too deep for you to reach the bottom.
yeah but seriously i also wonder how much is because we have the medicine today. i feel like all of the cute transfem that i meet started sometime around 2023 (plus or minus 5 years). i reckon it’s because all the modern medicine only got available in the last few years with the advanced research and pharmaceutical production tools that we have today.
i.e. the modern way to produce a lot of drugs (GMO bacteria) only started being researched after 1960 when the people understood that there’s something like genes and DNA to start with. actually it’s interesting how the research into genetics took off at the same time as the research into computers … and look how long it took to go from the first microchip in 1962 to the smartphone … or modern linux desktop computer.
There’s been feminizing HRT for a good several decades; probably at least half a century. It’s become more available, as has knowledge of trans people in general, but it isn’t all that new.
yeah insulin (for diabetes people) also was available in 1900. just that it was very tedious to produce it back then (it had to be extracted from the internal organs of slaughtered farm animals). it became widely available and very cheap sometime in the last few decades because of genetically engineered microorganisms. and that helps a lot.
