Shopkeeper: I’m trying to tell you that I’m the literal fucking devil!
Me: No need to brag about being a billionaire…
The Shopkeeper: By buying this, your innermost thoughts, feelings and desires will be mine, muhahaha!
Me: I think you’ll have to talk to Amazon then, I already signed their user agreement.
Shopkeeper: soon the people in this town will be so paranoid and hateful to each other I will sell them all guns and watch as the inevitable violence outbreaks.
Me: this is America, we already have 1.2 guns per person (counting kids) and there was a shooting behind McDonalds just last week.
Shopkeeper: well, er, this will be so bad not even the police can stop it.
Me: way ahead of you. The police are already regularly shooting innocent and unarmed people and one was just in a shootout with an acorn.
Wait, please explain the acorn thing. That’s a joke right?
https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-us-canada-68301239
A Florida deputy has resigned after mistaking the sound of a falling acorn on his car for a gunshot, prompting him to open fire at an unarmed suspect.
God what terrible journalism, the person he shot at was a civilian not a suspect. I hate how we can’t even report on these kinds of things without a pro cop slant.
simple misunderstanding. you see in the eyes of the court, he’s innocent until proven guilty. in the eyes of the police officer, there are no innocents, only suspects.
my fave is when they hassle some normal person, and even after finding they did nothing wrong, or were guilty of no crimes, the police will refer to them as a suspect, like you see here.
like they’ll run a search warrant or something and then say, well the person was suspected of having marijuana. did the person actually have anything? no. but he was suspected of it.
pigs eat shit, and i can probably count on one hand the number of them i know that i would be sad if something happened to them. the overwhelming majority of them could suddenly cease to exist and the country would be a MUCH better place for it.
Shopkeep: To produce these goods I am deforesting vast landscapes destroying the habitat of many animals and humans. Often using barely controlled fires burning through the forest.
Me: Yes I know what we are currently doing to the rainforest.
Shopkeep: buying these goods will turn your world into a living hell
Me: yes, i know that industrialization causes global warming…
The Shopkeeper in one last plea: Many people have died to create these meaningless trinkets you see before you.
Me: Oh, so they were made in China?
Shopkeeper: These items are unique. Nobody can create another one of these.
Me: Damn patent law needs a reform.
this is just Rick and Morty with more steps.
Does he eventually tell you the toppings contain potassium benzoate?
Remember kids: if it sounds like you heard it in that Tom Lehrer song, it probably isn’t something you should eat
It isn’t so simple unfortunately
Aqua, really? Not Dihydrogen-Monooxide?!?
😐
…That’s bad.
Shopkeeper, increasingly exasperated: I’m trying to tell you that I’m evil and offering these wares with no regard for the harm they will do!
Me: You realize we are in the middle of a literal apocalypse and I am one of the only people who can stop it and save countless lives and you are still trying to nickel and dime me for a soda and some run of the mill agility potions? Like you have to understand that if I die and fail than you are also dead as well and if you have the magic ability to zoom ahead of me to deeper floors of this dungeons to repeatedly set up your shop without experiencing any harm from the creatures I am having to slaughter one by one by one… what the hell are you doing trying to make a quick buck selling crap to me?
Obviously your worldview is so warped that you don’t see the most evil thing you are doing is attempting to make a quick buck off of selling the hero tools that are essential to them saving the world, but honestly as exasperated as I am about this I work in the pharmaceutical industry and WOW by comparison selling me a pair of boots that is going to curse my strength is just amateur evil shit. Try getting a massive chunk of society addicted to opioids you wannabe evil schmuck and then get back to me about being evil.
Shopkeeper, taken aback and kind of concerned: ….are you ok? Damn what reality do you come from? This place is a literal hell dungeon full of creatures that want to dissect you slowly before feeding on your corpse but wow sounds like you have seen some shit
I love how this has turned into a creative writing prompt!! Good one.
