I work with a needy man, the kind of person who needs constant attention and feels threatened by silence. If I choose to read something on my phone instead of giving him attention he asks if everything’s all right. If I choose to meditate, adopting a yoga like position and closing my eyes before working he asks the same. It’s like he needs people talking to him constantly.
I am the opposite, I believe: I don’t talk about my life at work, I go there because I need a paycheck, but I’m open to learn from more knowledgeable colleagues, something he clearly is not.
What I’ve done so far: avoiding him, not looking him in the eye when he wants to talk to me, telling him that I’m working when he wants to talk to me, giving dull answers, feigning ignorance about several topics, ignoring him when I’m talking to another person and he asks what we’re talking about.
He still comes and sits next to me and tells me about his family, something I don’t care about.
I’m torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don’t care about his life, but considering the ‘offense’ this seems too much and knowing me I’d immediately regret it and feel bad about it.
Why am I like this?
Headphones. Headphones are an excellent tool for isolation in a workplace because they don’t raise objections or cause friction like saying you’re uninterested but they tend to be very effective at deflection.
Just get a nice big obvious pair of headphones and put them on when he might come by and, if he waves or something just immediately respond with “Sorry, I’m in the middle of this can you message me?”
me: (with my headphones put on)
colleague: what are you listening to?
me: (speechless)
I did this and when he’d talk I acted like I didn’t hear him. Worked for me
And if they have the feature you could leave them in Tranparency mode, allowing you still hear everything going on as if you weren’t wearing them.
Half the time when I’m wearing headphones they aren’t even turned on.
I went from AirPods to pros for the noise cancellation when I have to go into the office due to a very loud, annoying coworker. It was one of the best purchases I’ve ever made. Now I just ignore the noise and chatter and do my work.
He’s an energy vampire. Tread carefully.
Colin Robinson
Fucking Colin Robinson
Needs some updog.
Dang, all I got is this cowbell…
What’s cowbell?
Unclear, but I definitely need more
I once had a co-worker like this named Andrew. One morning, while he scrambled to fill any moments of silence, I told him “Andrew, silence is ok sometimes” and went back to my work. He was significantly less annoying to work with afterwards.
I probably came off as a bit of a dick, though it wasn’t my intention.
I’m willing to bet they understood the assignment very well
You are this way because you are maintaining professionalism. Your coworker is being unprofessional by over sharing. Set your boundaries fast and firm.
These sound like bread and butter small talk type work interactions.
Just gonna be blunt… meditating at work and adopting a yoga like position is going to attract attention and will invite co-workers to enquire after your well being.
If this guy is your biggest problem at work then you have a pretty great job.
That depends on the type of work OP does and when exactly are they adopting the yoga stance. People can do whatever they want during breaks.
But ultimately I agree with your last sentence.
Of course people can do what they want during their breaks.
What I’m getting at is, mediation or yoga in the break room is an unusual behavior and well meaning co-workers “just trying to be nice” will enquire after your well being.
If you don’t want to interact with co-workers on your break, put your head phones on while you play with your phone.
I totally see your point, which is why I mentioned this really depends on context. I’ve worked in places where people actually did stretches or meditation during their breaks and nobody cared for it. But I can totally see how that wouldn’t fly in other places.
Also, from experience - some people will still talk to you even if you have headphones and your attention on the phone.
I don’t think there’s any need to be rude. Just tell him you appreciate that he wants to make sure you’re alright, but that you’re just not a very talkative person and you quite enjoy silence. You can say it’s nothing personal, but that’s just who you are and you’ll let him know if one day for whatever reason you are not fine. If you’re feeling generous you can ask him to do the same, but that is a potential commitment.
Unspoken expectations are pre-meditated resentments.
Holy butts, why has no one ever said this sentence to me before
Take up skiing and make that your entire personality
Tell him you have trouble focusing on your work if you stop to talk too often. Tell him you’re trying to finish x, y, z, etc, and after doing that enough hopefully he gets the message.
Best to be direct. Fake responses just dog deeper paths.
What are you working on. Oh I’ll help you. Sure I’ll be back on ten. Yeah I’m busy too buy you gotta take breaks. Hey did you catch thst movie.
If the person is so dense they dont know there bothering somone there not the type of person to get subtle hints.
I have ADHD, so this is something I genuinely use. It usually works, but I’ve only dealt with this type of person once.
I had to keep reinforcing it and it was never perfect, but it did get better.
Happy cake day!
Why do people seem to have such a hard time with being direct? Just tell him to leave you alone, if you hurt his feelings it’s not your problem.
He’ll probably be mad, he might try to kill her. The odds of violence after social disagreements are slightly worse for women so most try to avoid being the 1 in 1 million today.
Just tell him you don’t talk a lot because you need to concentrate at work and you always keep it professional because you wanna separate work and private life.
Small chance it might be awkward for a bit but he will respect it. Unless he is an asshole then you don’t owe friendliness.
Show him your Warhammer figurines
Gotta be careful with this; I showed a coworker some models I painted once and he loved them and now makes me feel bad because he’ll ask what I’ve done recently and it’s always nothing haha
People like him are dangerous.
For the love of God, do not directly say it to this person, speak to HR or your supervisor and tell them you are feeling harassed at work and can’t do your job.
If you say anything to the man all he’s going to conclude is that you are against him, and his paranoia will kick in, and he will make problems for you that you can’t anticipate.
Wtf. Just talk to the person first, and THEN go to HR. Why escalate immediately?
It’s in my original comment. Try reading instead of outbursting.
It’s the simple things in life… always the simple things. Have you ever said the simple things to him?
“Be quiet now.”
“Leave me alone.”
(and after his response, whatever it is, you be quiet yourself)
What?? Imagine telling anyone to “be quiet now”. That’s plainly rude and won’t help
It’s important to be honest and polite. “I really need to focus on my work and be silent for a few hours a day. I’d be happy to chat on a coffee break, but I need to have some quiet time please”
But what if they aren’t happy to chat on their coffee breaks either?
What you’re suggesting is basically just hitting the snooze button. “I’m sorry but I’m just the type of person who don’t do small talk.” in a polite but firm manner have worked wonders for me before.
Sure, why not. If OP really doesn’t want to small talk they can say that.
OP doesn’t mention they hate smalltalk. I just gave a suggestion of words that I thought would fit, but I also don’t know OP
That’s plainly rude and won’t help
If it is rude in your culture, you should find the appropriate way of expression
“I really need to focus on my work and be silent for a few hours a day. I’d be happy to chat on a coffee break, but I need to have some quiet time please”
But that won’t help either, because it makes too many words. By far.
It is essential to stay absolutely focused in such cases. You want something, so you say what you want, and nothing else. And then silence.
Silence is your goal.
Nothing about what you yourself are doing, only what you want the other one to do. Nothing about coffee and nothing about last year’s vacation on that beautiful island in the sun with the bowling club and how drunk they all were… The barest minimum is the right amount of politeness.
Ok, now be quiet please.
I keked
I’m torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don’t care about his life, but considering the ‘offense’ this seems too much and knowing me I’d immediately regret it and feel bad about it.
Imagine someone has a huge booger hanging out of their nose. It might be embarassing that you point it out to them, but it’s a lot more embarassing if they walk around with the booger hanging there. It’s the same with this. If you’re polite but direct, there’s nothing to feel bad about, you’re helping the guy learn where the line is.
