Hey there. I am incredibly sad, downright depressed and mentally exhausted.
I wanted to celebrate my birthday yesterday for the first time (maybe ever?) with lots of nice people. I invited about 30-50 people. Some, I invited personally, some just casually through groups. Lots of those people I thought of as somehow close and friendly.
I exhausted myself in the effort of preparing the party, I rented a room, I prepared photos, activities, food, music, and just put a lot of mental energy into the planning. I have been planning it for about 2 months, invited those who were most important to me back then even.
5 people showed up.
I am devastated. I was always so anxious about my birthday and never celebrated it. I think I removed myself from groups a lot in my life. And only the last two years, I’ve started to understand my diagnosis and how to communicate with people. This throws all my anxiety and pain back into my body and brain.
I don’t know how to deal with it. Especially I don’t know how to interact with the people that were important to me and who didn’t show (or those who didn’t even cancel). My past behaviour was burning down all the bridges. I don’t think I should do that. But I also don’t know how to pretend like it doesn’t hurt…
Any advice about rejection anxiety and … well, real rejection?
Thank you.
Think about it like this: 5 people you know cared enough to come. That’s pretty good if you ask me. Try to focus on the positives because it’s all too easy to get mired in shitty stuff and it’s not worth it.
I feel your pain, man. I once spent months planning a costume Halloween party. Spent over a grand in decorations alone, just spooky-ing up the house like crazy. Got special desserts made, sent out invitations through email and instagram, a freaking flyer with the info, did an online poll to make sure I was doing it on the right weekend so the most people could attend, texted my best friend at the time like, everyday for weeks making sure he at least came.
Come the night of, almost every single person had cancelled, and my (former) best friend just didn’t want to make the 35 minute commute, so he didn’t even come.
Sent out another instagram message to everyone with my original party flyer but with a big “Cancelled” written across it. Ended up slowly eating all the snacks party treats over the course of a week or so. Cleaned up the decorations, and realized that now that I’m divorced, people see me different, with less respect. It’s been a difficult transition, and I’m thinking about just packing up and moving to a whole new area, to make new friends, because that shit SUCKED.
I know that the majority of them had good excuses, but the few that didn’t… man. Yeah it really hurt, and now 2 years later I rarely if ever make time for those “friends.” I’ve just spent more time on myself, growing and becoming more comfortable in my solitude. I’m at a place where, despite a lot of present difficulties, I like myself. I’m proud of who I am, and am slowly putting myself out there more (while also planning on getting the hell out of dodge lol)
Anecdotally:
There’s an epidemic of post-pandemic burn out and depression. It’s not just the pandemic, it’s the endless layoffs, the world is in a state of political unrest, the list goes on.
It’s hard to decline and invite with that “excuse”, so many people accept.
Attending a happy, social event where they will have to mask their emotions feels like an impossible mountain to climb.
It’s a painful experience to be on the receiving end of this equation and I’m sorry it’s happening to you. I’m hoping this is just a reminder that it’s likely not personal, even though it very much feels that way.
Thanks for that anecdote. I think I get it. I get a lot of the reasons not to come. Now I’m more open with my neurodivergence, I am more surrounded by people who deal with similar stuff. But that also means that they don’t come. I had two or three people cancel yesterday saying they don’t have energy to be amongst many people. This felt so awkward, seeing as there weren’t any…
I think I can see how it’s “not personal” on one hand, but still I can see that I’m not a priority for anyone
It’s hard to understand the full context of your situation because there’s a lot of details missing, so I’m going to make some assumptions based on what you’ve said.
I think your mistake was to go straight to running when you haven’t even started crawling.
You’ve described yourself as not having been a very sociable person over the years, so planning a massive party of 30-50 people for people that you haven’t had regular contact with was likely to never have worked out the way you expected, regardless of how much effort you put into planning and setup.
My advice to you is to start small and take it in steps.
Firstly, don’t bog yourself down with thinking about how a) badly the party seemed to have gone, and b) how many relationships you’ve let erode.
Second, instead of focusing on those that didn’t show up, celebrate that you had 5 people who cared enough to come to it. Spend time cultivating relationships with them, because those were the ones who bothered to be there.
Lastly, for those you felt were important and let you down, you have to understand that people tend to treat big parties as optional. If someone is important to you, inviting them to a large party where they’re just one-of-many doesn’t really tell them how important they are to you does it? I know I’d feel a lot more important if someone invited me to their small and intimate party!
Additionally, you should reach out to them and let them know how you felt - no one can read your mind. You have to communicate how you feel and give people a chance to respond. If they respond positively, great - you’ve kept an important friend! If they don’t, then you’ve learned that your relationship with them wasn’t a healthy one.
You don’t have to pretend like it didn’t hurt you, but the onus is on you to communicate that to those you felt slighted by.
Also, don’t plan massive parties for yourself with over-the-moon expectations, especially not for your first birthday party!
