When growing up my parents taught me to stand up to bullies. (We’re talking about verbal abuse and manipulation, not physical bullying.) Following that advice as a kid led to mixed results yet it’s stuck with me into my adult years.
These days though, using this advice only seems to backfire. When I give them what they’ve given me, the bullies just get more angry and use that to justify their continued bullying. They see themselves as the victim.
Any suggestions that would be more helpful?
I’m not a parent, a teacher, or a therapist. However, I was bullied from kindergarten through tenth grade. So, here’s my two cents based on my own experience having not put it into practice.
The bully is a bully for a reason just as the bullied is bullied for a reason. You can not control the environment that created a bully but you can attempt to help your bullied child. If I were a parent, I would take a good hard look at my child and ask their teachers why they may be bullied. As a parent, I would help my kid overcome those traits if possible. In some cases, there may not be an immediate solution that you can provide. Your child, as it was the case for me, may be in an environment that’s detrimental to their development.
It’s not so much about “standing up to the bully” and telling your kid to do that is, in my opinion, counter productive. Lack of confidence is one reason a child may be bullied and gaining confidence is how to thwart ongoing threats. Their confidence will be what stands up to the bully on its own.
Confidences is gained through social interactions. Support your child by exposing them to more activities that make them uncomfortable. I quit soccer and karate lessons too quickly and my mom didn’t push me to keep doing them or really support anything I was ever interested in. This taught me it was easier to hide from awkwardness and give up on things I had a passing interest in if I wasn’t good enough at it from the start. I still struggle with this in my 40s. I may not be bullied in school anymore but life itself is always there to judge me and tell me how weak I am.
It was the summer between tenth and eleventh grade when I started to hang out with more people (like, two) around the neighborhood. We would skateboard, ride bikes, play street hockey, go out to eat pizza, etc. With a small group of people who had a little more influence / confidence in school, I guess my confidence grew enough that people to be more friendly towards me.
I probably have a poor impression of how kids are growing up today. I assume most kids are in their homes playing video games and watching TikTok. As much confidence as someone may gain at home by being really good at something they do online, this doesn’t transfer to the real world or the shared world young people experience.