EVERYWHERE—As the influence of the nation’s transgender individuals continues to encroach on the freedoms of the U.S. populace, sources confirmed Tuesday that increasingly powerful trans person Tori Randall is now capable of using every single bathroom in the country at once. “Tori has become so trans that she can enter every single bathroom in the continental United States simultaneously, and there’s absolutely nothing anyone can do to stop her,” said Cincinnati city officials in a statement echoed by officials in thousands of other towns and cities across the nation, where every single stall in both public and private bathrooms is being currently occupied under the formidable capacities of the single trans individual. “This is what happens when there’s not enough legislation to keep transgender people out of our bathrooms. Now she’s in every women’s bathroom and every men’s bathroom. She’s in our bathroom and your bathroom. She’s in bathrooms in every country club even though she’s not a member; she’s in every stall at JFK Airport even though she doesn’t have a flight. Her piss and shit are at this very moment traveling down the drains of every single bathroom at every single billionaire’s gated mansion, and there are billions of U.S. toilets all flushing at once. She doesn’t need the code at Starbucks. She can travel through bathroom walls. Soon, as the trans community becomes increasingly confident in its omnipotent abilities, we could see them all develop the capacity to bend the laws of space-time, at least as far as bathrooms are concerned. We should all be very, very afraid.” At press time, reports confirmed the trans person’s powers had only grown as she used every last drop of water in the Northern Hemisphere to wash her hands.