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19 hours agoMonogamy is the default, poly is the exception. Meaning that, if nothing has been discussed then everyone is going to assume their relationship is exclusive.
No, this isn’t at all accurate. It is not how us polyamorous people think.
If someone or somemany wants monogamy they should say that and not assume others will know that, that’s tantamount to mind reading and having unspoken expectations.
Also, even if someone or somemany are monogamous, when they first start dating they often are dating many from what we understand, or at least seeing which options are open to them.
Firstly, we are sorry this happened to you. So please do not take our comments as an attack, or like, having no care, we are just very direct.
So, there’s a lot of assumptions in society about how relationships should or will go, a lot of expectations from all sides. It’s not necessary to have these expectations, or at least not to leave them uncommunicated.
Now it does sound like she should have tried to communicate with you more, and maybe she wasn’t exactly honest and if that is the case yes, that is not the best way to show trust in a relationship, on the other hand maybe she was frustrated with the phone. Though we think she should have tried harder, unless it like crashed many times.
We do not think either monogamous nor polyamorous people are bad or wrong for their wants, but also, a lot of people, regardless of their relationship orientation need to communicate these things as soon as possible, not by making demands but by having clear communication, stating what it is they want and asking if that works for the other.
We are relationship anarchist and polyamorous so we don’t assume anything and communicate everything, however, we do understand that there are scenarios where some polyamorous people are not necessarily great at this. We were not in the past either.
We are also DemiAn, so we are a little different as it’s unlikely we’d just ‘hook up’ with someone or somemany else, but even if we did we’d still at least try to tell the other person, though we’d establish pretty early on we would and asking for permission with others is not how we personally do things, we only ask others are safe and tell us any information we need to know like sexual infection status etc.
Other polyamorous people are probably different and we would probably not get on with them all that well.
We hope in the future if this kind of thing happens again you can bring yourself to communicate your needs and want as soon as possible, because, well, nobody really should be making assumptions; assuming that others can read minds or know expectations, no, not even polyamorous people. We hope she also does the same in that regard if she dates monogamous people too.