*Forget pizza in oven * *eat charcoal because of all the unnecessary food waste * *call in sick * *sleep all day *

They’re lying to you, they lost your package. DHL does this constantly, anytime I have a supplier shipping with them I feel obligated to warn clients about inevitable delays.

You could take the screws out of your iPhone and glue them onto the knobs, it’ll void your AppleCare though.

It’s still funny, but parent licenses are step one of eugenics, and licenses protect fish populations, environment, parks, lots of good. If anyone’s really agreeing with the subtext, learn more about the dangers of both.

Stuff like this makes me think we’re witnessing so many crimes that we don’t have a names for yet.

Not trying to throwing stones here, but the headline isn’t oniony. Unfortunately it’s unsurprising gun news, it’s also not funny.

The sarcastic part was suggesting vigilante turd policing.

I don’t see what’s oniony about this, people that don’t pickup after their dogs should be severely and unusually punished. Extrajudicial is just extra justice.

Edit: not picking up dog poop is inconsiderate, murder is abhorrent. Do we really need /s on nottheonion too?

Cop, Heffer, Sniffers