I think I have a very similar experience, I’ve had social anxiety for as long as I can remember, prior to that I think I was just very quiet, I’m not sure if I have autism though, I just know I developed a social anxiety disorder gradually.

It also makes so much more sense to me now that I know I have gender dysphoria, in the past few years a lot of the social anxiety had shifted toward gender fueled anxiety, like I’m being viewed as someone inherently less safe to be around, or that I’m intruding. It probably didn’t help I went to a boys secondary school (when I developed the social anxiety and dysphoria), and then in sixth form was thrown into classes with almost all women, I’m sure if I were placed back there I would feel just as bad as I did when I was taking classes there. I’ve since gone and changed my name legally so I’ve basically killed off my ability to boymode now (mostly).

I think you should go as yourself, but it’s all up to how you think you’d manage. I know myself that nothing bad will happen, the worst case is I’ll just run home and not even attend. For me I’m trying a strategy of just taking myself somewhere, like to an event, and then worrying about it, but sometimes that doesn’t work out and I should’ve probably prepared myself mentally instead.

I hope all the best for you though, try to take it easy, I know it’s hard <3

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I get this (to a degree), I feel really shit about myself a lot of mornings. I’m glad you’re still here though all this though.

I don’t really envy cis girls specifically (though I do envy cis girls), but I wish I transitioned earlier, in my early teens, and I also envy a lot of passing trans women, I just want to be at a stage where I can be who I want to be. Usually my response to feeling like I don’t belong is to try and block (mentally) or forget about those people, I don’t want to fit in with people I find shit.

Like minty said, you’re gonna have to manage, it’s much kinder on yourself to want or experience the things you absolutely can, and not mourning those you can’t. The time has passed for a lot of earlier experiences, I know that sucks, but there’s so much more you can look forward too, there’s no reason why you can’t socially fit in in the way you want to (at the very least with inner circles).

I know I shouldn’t really ask (let me know if I’m ever making you feel worse), but while you were out did anyone do anything to make you feel this way? When I go out, there’s nothing that makes me feel bad, if left alone I kind of just start feeling that way, I start mulling over even the smallest of things, like how people look at me, when people don’t look I wonder why, when people do look I think it must be because I’m weird. However it doesn’t take much for someone to tip the scales, even just one good interaction can make me feel much better.

Regardless it really helps to have some people to confide in, in real life, I’m gonna keep telling you to get a group of friends you can go out with or do fun things together, maybe do a girls night out or whatever. When I went to pride I felt so happy, just being around people like that makes all the difference.

Also, you are a woman, don’t kid yourself. Putting so much effort just to pass sucks, but I saw the last post you made, you’re absolutely passing there, at least to me, I wish you could see it someday.

That sounds so sweet, I’m happy you get to experience this all for the first time!

Honestly in my case I also don’t do public bathrooms, so it’s been a while (years?) but I’ll probably stick to the men’s bathroom because my social anxiety definitely won’t let me go in the other one.

I hope the gathering at the weekend goes well <3

I think I can see the difference, also that smile in the last pic is really sweet, you look really confident!

Yeah, the stubble sucks, but I manage, I’ll get laser one day!

Thank you so much <3, just like you I wish to see it one day.

Also you say you have love/hate relationship with your hair, but girl you don’t even know! I love it for the compliments but god is it ever difficult, that and I’m thinking of styling it different but unfortunately bangs are out of the question, they would be a nightmare to get right, by comparison to shaving though I don’t hate managing my hair, it’s frustrating but it’s not like I feel dysphoric styling it, and the maintenance is still reasonable.

Anyway I’m glad you’re feeling better now

I might be just silly cause I know I can be pretty socially unaware, but if I were to go by stereotypes, then in all your pictures you’re quite conserved/reserved(?), like you don’t try to take up a lot of space or make yourself seem bigger. I’m probably just grasping though.

Also, never blame yourself for others misgendering you, at the very least no one is at fault, you don’t owe it to anyone to fit gender norms. I mean I’m out right now with pretty bad makeup ontop of a slight stubble since I only shaved yesterday evening, I don’t have the time to fix it so I just left it on, the wrong person could call me a slur probably, but that hasn’t happened yet, I’ve only noticed people being more certious to me than normal (twice since I left). Maybe it’s the area I live in, cause I did just pass the theatre and they had a whole charriot out with I think a couple people in drag, and a bunch of people all glammed up (sorry I just had to share that, not something you see everyday!)

Edit: also, you’re welcome <3, always!

I’ve been hugging my blahaj for the past hour so I feel very similar.

I assume it is ok to give virtual hugs?

big hug

I don’t really have much more to say, but I’m just happy you’re not leaving, and things will get better I promise.

Ohhh ok no worries! <3

I was just being a little silly then, glad I could be of help :3

Nooo please stay :(

Girl you will make me cry too if you delete your account. (I hope it’s not weird to say) I looked up to you in a lot of your earlier posts (I still do!), someone who was a little further along than me, shared their self image issues, and was very kind. Please please please please stay, as other people have pointed out, all the mean things you said were toward yourself. You have never bothered me, but if you delete your account you will make me very sad, if I’m being truthful you scared me when you started apologising a lot, I thought you were going to do something silly. My opinion of you is entirely positive, I always enjoy reading your posts.

I really truly believe this community is better with you in it, so please stay.

Sorry is there sarcasm in this? I can’t really tell.

I don’t think I explicitly said to wear makeup during laser, I was just giving separate advice. Sorry.

Your hair is feminine, I am super jealous of your body, your skin looks very smooth and fem, and your sense of style is very feminine. From what I can tell in your pictures your mannerisms are feminine, and didn’t you mention in a post that your hips sway when you walk?

Your face doesn’t scream either way to me (like most people), but it does lean ever so slightly feminine, overall it is cute regardless, which is good, since your hair is very feminine. Again, I’d be shocked to see someone gender you masculine in public, there is not one overtly masculine feature I can point to in any of these pictures!

Also I’m banning you from saying sorry to me, that’s it, no more!

I don’t think HRT would’ve made you uglier, it’s probably just the warped perception of yourself, give it enough time and you’ll probably look back at these photos thinking you were prettier, I have photos that I definitely didn’t like when I took them but looking back are completely fine.

I didn’t even notice the cut on your chin until you pointed it out, and no that’s pretty cute actually, it doesn’t make you uglier lol. You’re over focusing on the parts of yourself you don’t like, while most people see the whole, and that way you miss all the many pretty things that more than make up for it.

Edit: Just for some clarification, when I say ‘the parts you don’t like’, I really mean it like that, other people don’t see them in the same way you do, just in case I came off wrong. Anyway, very pretty! <3

I’m so very sorry, it’s pretty shit that I can’t physically be there for you. If you need to talk you can message me anytime, seriously. Thank you for letting us know <3

Yeah they suck. I very much feel you <3 Please make sure you don’t stew in the bad feelings.

I have one of those appointments in a couple months, although I’m 100% getting on hrt as soon as possible regardless of how that goes, my parents really don’t seem to get why I’d be so upset to be gate-kept (waiting months for the possibility of hrt), and think I’m taking on too much risk (in their eyes) by doing it myself.

I don’t think the assessment is a requirement, it is possible to get prescribed hrt without one, but I would advise looking into DIY if you can’t deal with the uncertainty or wait.

Just a baby trans here so not much advice first hand, but I know another transfem (no name for safety reasons) that was in a similar position to you and they have gotten laser and it worked well for them, 3rd session sounds a little early to be worrying about results yet but I wouldn’t know all that well. Once you have done most of the laser treatment, you can try looking at electrolysis (if you can afford it) which should kill the hair growth completely, but I’ve heard that it can be painful and cause irritation.

As for me, I’m only about half as bad by the sounds of it (shave evrry 1-2 days) but makeup seems to work pretty well for temporary release, that and focusing on the prettier aspects of myself in hopes I can get laser one day.

Sorry I’m not of much help, but I hope the laser works out for you <3

I hope you get well soon <3

Hi, welcome!